People often take circuitous paths to their goals to minimize the risk of rejection. For example, they’ll send out feelers through their social network to try to determine in advance whether their future requests will be accepted or rejected. What will happen if they ask for the sale, the promotion, or the date? The idea is that if they can sniff out a negative response in advance, outright rejection can be avoided. On the other hand, if a positive result seems guaranteed, then action can be taken with minimal risk.
At first glance, this approach seems reasonable. There’s really just one problem with it: it’s stupid. It’s a completely ridiculous plan for getting what you want in life. It’s weak, dishonest, and manipulative.
People who go out of their way to avoid rejection only weaken themselves in the long run. They expend enormous amounts of thought and energy trying to manipulate circumstances, meanwhile allowing golden opportunities to slip through their fingers. All of this can be avoided with a few seconds of courageous action.
If you want something, ask for it. Accept the risk of rejection, and summon the courage to take action anyway. If you get turned down, you’ll survive. You’ll learn from the experience and grow stronger. If you don’t get rejected, you’ll achieve your outcome in the fastest and simplest way possible. When you risk rejection, either you get what you want or your build some courage. Either way the outcome is positive.
Being too direct can have negative connotations, but there’s no need to be annoyingly pushy or aggressive when asking for what you want. Just be honest, open, and forthright. If the other person doesn’t respond positively, then at least you know where you stand. You’ve shed light on the situation and aligned yourself with truth. Everything is out in the open. An honest rejection is always superior to a clever deception.
Share your thoughts and feelings openly when you ask for what you want. Make it easy for the other person to give you an honest answer. For example, when asking for a date with someone you know, you might start with something like this: “Cathy, we’ve been friends for a while, and I have to confess I’m starting to develop feelings for you. In fact, I like you a lot. I don’t know if you feel the same about me, but I’d really like to get to know you better and see if there’s an opportunity for us to build a closer relationship. How do you feel about this?” Then just listen. If the response is negative, you’re free to move on. If the response is positive, you can discuss the next steps. Making such a statement only takes 15 seconds of courage. Isn’t this a better approach than perpetually wondering what might have been and beating yourself up for missed opportunities? Short bursts of courage can overcome many obstacles.
What if you get rejected? How will you deal with the ensuing embarrassment? There needn’t be any embarrassment if you simply accept the outcome instead of resisting it. Sure, you might be disappointed, but take solace in the fact that you successfully exercised your courage. Even when you fail, facing your fear is a positive outcome in its own right. Don’t worry about rejection; just accept that it’s going to happen every now and then. When someone declines your offer of connection, it doesn’t mean you aren’t loved.
How would you react if someone asked you for something in a very conscious, straightforward manner? It’s a safe bet that you’d either accept the request or at least let the other person down easy. Even if you must decline, wouldn’t you have a bit more respect for someone who comes to you with honesty and openness instead of hiding their true feelings?
When people get to know you as a straight shooter, even if they must reject your initial requests, they’ll often bring you fresh opportunities down the road because you’ve demonstrated your willingness to be open and honest. The rejected date becomes a new ally who plays matchmaker for you. The missed sale creates an unexpected referral. The denied promotion yields a better job offer. When you play straight with people, they’ll often remember because directness stands out from the crowd.
Are you trying to live a safe life? The word safe is both an adjective and a noun. As an adjective it means “being free from danger.” As a noun it’s “an enclosed storage container with a lock.” If you’re living the adjective, you’re living the noun. Don’t trap yourself in a cage of false security by trying to avoid rejection. In the long run, building your courage is a smarter choice than running from imaginary dangers.
* Source: Personal Development for Smart People by Steve Pavlina