Whether you are an entrepreneur, manager, teacher, parent, coach, or simply a friend, if you want to be successful with other people, you must master the art of appreciation.
Three kinds of appreciation
If you want to be a real pro at appreciation, you want to learn which kind of feedback makes the most impact on the person you are delivering it to. One easy way is to ask the person to remember the time they felt most loved in their life. Then ask them to describe it to you. You can ask some follow-up questions such as “Was it something they said, something they did, the way they touched you? Was it the look in their eyes (visual), the tone of their voice (auditory), the tenderness of their touch, or the way they held you as you were dancing (kinesthetic)? Once you determine if the person is primarily auditory, visual, or kinesthetic, then you can purposely direct your feedback that way.
Too many people waste valuable time and precious resources wondering what other people are thinking, intending, or doing. Rather than just asking them for clarification, they make assumptions — usually assuming against themselves — and then make decisions based on those assumptions.
Successful people, on the other hand, don’t waste time assuming or wondering. They simply check it out: “I’m wondering if…” or “Would it be okay to…?” or “Are you feeling…?” they are not afraid of rejection, so they ask.
For most of us, our words are spoken without consciousness. We rarely stop to think about what we are saying. Our thoughts, opinions, judgments, and beliefs roll off our tongues without a care for the damage or the benefits they can produce.
Successful people, on the other hand, are the master of their words. They know that if they don’t take dominion over their words, their words will take dominion over them. They’re conscious of the thoughts they think and the words they speak — both about themselves and others. They know that to be more successful, they need to speak words that will build self-esteem and self-confidence, build relationships, and build dreams — words of affirmation, encouragement, appreciation, love, acceptance, possibility, and vision.
Most of us avoid telling the truth because it’s uncomfortable. We’re afraid of the consequences — making others feel uncomfortable, hurting their feelings, or risking their anger. And yet, when we don’t tell the truth, and others don’t tell us the truth, we can’t deal with matters from a basis in reality.
We’ve all heard the phrase that “the truth will set you free.” And it will. The truth allows us to be free to deal with the way things are, not the way we imagine them to be or hope them to be or might manipulate them to be with our lies.
The truth also frees up our energy. It takes energy to withhold the truth, keep a secret, or keep up an act.
People can’t listen until they have been heard. They first need to get whatever is bothering them off their chest. Whether you are someone who has just come home from work, a parent looking at your child’s report card with all C’s, a salesperson attempting to sell a new car, or a CEO overseeing the merger of two companies, you first need to let the other people speak about their needs and wants, hopes and dreams, fears and concerns, hurts and pains, before you talk about yours. It opens up a space inside of them to be able to listen to and take in what you have to say.
What is a Heart Talk?
A Heart Talk is a very structured communication process in which eight agreements are strictly adhered to in order to create the safety for a deep level of communication to occur without the fear of condemnation, unsolicited advice, interruption, or being rushed. It is a powerful tool used to surface and release any unexpressed emotions that could otherwise get in the way of people being totally present to deal with the business at hand. It can be used at home, in business, in the classroom, with sports teams, and in religious settings to develop rapport, understanding, and intimacy.
There’s a big difference between hearing — that is, simply receiving communication — and truly listening, which is the art of paying thoughtful attention with a mind toward understanding the complete message being delivered. Unlike simply hearing someone’s account, listening requires maintaining eye contact, watching the person’s body language, asking for clarification, and listening for the unspoken message.
Be interested rather than interesting
The best way to establish rapport with people and to win them over to your side is to be truly interested in them, to listen with the intention of really learning about them. When the person feels that you are really interested in getting to know them and their feelings, they will open up to you and share their true feelings with you much more quickly.
For most of us, our early education and training focused on looking outside of ourselves for the answers to our questions. Few of us have had any training on how to look inside, and yet most of the supersuccessful people I (Jack Canfield) have met over the years are people who have developed their intuition and learned to trust their gut feelings and follow their inner guidance. Many practice some form of daily meditation to access this voice within.
Whether they are a real estate investor who hears a voice in the middle of the night, a detective who solves a dead-end case by following a hunch, an investor who just knows when to get out of the market, or a football linebacker who can sense what the quarterback’s next play is going to be, successful people trust their intuition.
We all know that two heads are better than one when it comes to solving a problem or creating a result. So imagine having a permanent group of five to six people who meet every week for the purpose of problem solving, brainstorming, networking, and encouraging and motivating each other.
A process for accelerating your growth
The basic philosophy of a mastermind group is that more can be achieved in less time when people work together. A mastermind group is made up of people who come together on a regular basis to share ideas, thoughts, information, feedback, and resources. By getting the perspective, knowledge, experience, and resources of the others in the group, not only can you move beyond your own limited view of the world but you can also advance your own goals and projects more quickly.
