There’s nothing worse than a wolf befriending sheep. Avoid false friendship at all costs. If you are good, straightforward, and well meaning it should show in your eyes and not escape notice.
—Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 11.15
It’s pretty obvious that one should keep away from the wicked and two-faced as much as possible—the jealous friend, the narcissistic parent, the untrustworthy partner. At first glance, Marcus Aurelius is reminding us to avoid false friends.
But what if we turn it around? What is, instead, we ask about the times that we have been false to our friends? Ultimately that’s what Stoicism is about—not judging other people’s behavior, but judging our own.
We’ve all been a frenemy at one point or another. We’ve been nice to their face—usually because there was something in it for us—but later, in different company, we said how we really felt. Or we’ve strung someone along, cared only when things were going well, or declined to help even though someone really needed us.
This behavior is beneath us—and worth remembering the next time we accuse someone else of being a bad friend.
* Source: The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman
A benefit should be kept like a buried treasure, only to be dug up in necessity…. Nature bids us to do well by all…. Wherever there is a human being, we have an opportunity for kindness.
—Seneca, On The Happy Life, 24.2-3
The first person you meet today—passing acquaintance or friend—no matter the context—positive or negative—is an opportunity for kindness. Or as different translators have taken this line from Seneca to mean, it is an opportunity for benefit. For both of you. You can seek to understand where they are coming from. You can seek to understand who they are, what they need, and what forces or impulses might be acting on them. And you can treat them well and be better off for it.
The same is true with the second person you encounter, and the third. Of course, there is no guarantee that they will return the favor, but that’s not our concern. As always, we’re going to focus on what we control: in this case, the ability to choose to respond with kindness.
* Source: The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman
Some people with exceptional minds quickly grasp virtue, or produce it withing themselves. But other dim and lazy types, hindered by bad habits, must have their rusty souls constantly scrubbed down…. The weaker sorts will be helped and lifted from their bad opinions if we put them in the care of philosophy’s principles.
—Seneca, Moral Letters, 95.36-37
Stoicism is not an evangelical religion. You’re not obligated to save anyone—there’s no risk of hell if a soul remains in ignorance of the teaching of Epictetus or Marcus Aurelius.
But now that you’ve learned and studied a better path, you can be of service to others. You can share your wisdom or insight with a friend or stranger—remembering that behavior is always a better example than a lecture.
Everyone deserves to benefit from “philosophy’s principles” as Seneca put it. If you see someone who is in need of help, or has asked for guidance, provide it. You owe them that much.
* Source: The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman
Everything turns on your assumptions about it, and that’s on you. You can pluck out the hasty judgment at will, and like steering a ship around the point, you will find calm seas, fair weather and a safe port.
—Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 12.22
“Even a dog,” Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes once said, “distinguishes between being stumbled over and being kicked.” Yet if you’ve ever accidentally stepped on your dog, you know that the first reaction is usually a bark or a yelp or a quick snap of the jaws. In the instant, there is no distinction—just pain. Then it sees who it was, hears your soothing voice, and goes right back to wagging its tail.
A virtuous person does not jump to hasty judgments about other people. A virtuous person is generous with assumptions: that something was an accident, that someone didn’t know, that it won’t happen again. This makes life easier to bear and makes us more tolerant. Meanwhile, assuming malice—the most hasty of judgments—makes everything harder to bear.
Be deliberate and accommodating with your assumptions about other people and you’ll find, as Marcus says, calmer seas and fairer weather.
* Source: The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman
Are you angry when someone’s armpits stink or when their breath is bad? What would be the point? Having such a mouth and such armpits, there’s going to be a smell emanating. You say, they must have sense, can’t they tell how they are offending others? Well, you have sense too, congratulations! So, use your natural reason to awaken theirs, show them, call it out. If the person will listen, you will have cured them without useless anger. No drama nor unseemly show required.
—Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 5.28
The person sitting next to you on the plane, the one who is loudly chattering and knocking around in your space? The one you’re grinding your teeth about, hating from the depth of your soul because they’re rude, ignorant, obnoxious? In these situations, you might feel it takes everything you have to restrain yourself from murdering them.
It’s funny how that thought comes into our heads before, you know, politely asking them to stop, or making the minor scene of asking for a different seat. We’d rather be pissed off, bitter, raging inside than risk an awkward conversation that might actually help this person and make the world a better place. We don’t just want people to be better, we expect it to magically happen—that we can simply will other people to change, burning holes into their skull with our angry stare.
Although when you think about it that way, it makes you wonder who the rude one actually.
* Source: The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman
The best way to avenge yourself is to not be like that.
—Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 6.6
“How much better to heal than seek revenge from injury. Vengeance wastes a lot of time and exposes you to many more injuries than the first that sparked it. Anger always outlasts hurt. Best to take the opposite course. Would anyone think it normal to return a kick to a mule or a bite to a dog?”
—Seneca, On Anger, 3.27.2
Let’s say that someone has treated you rudely. Let’s say someone got promoted ahead of you because they took credit for your work or did something dishonest. It’s natural to think: Oh, that’s how the world works, or One day it will be my turn to be like that. Or most common: I’ll get them for this. Except these are the worst possible responses to bad behavior.
As Marcus and Seneca both wrote, the proper response—indeed the best revenge—is to exact no revenge at all. If someone treats you rudely and you respond with rudeness, you have not done anything but prove to them that they were justified in their actions. If you meet other people’s dishonesty with dishonesty of your own, guess what? You’re proving them right—now everyone is a liar.
Instead, today, let’s seek to be better than the things that disappoint or hurt us. Let’s try to be the example we’d like others to follow. It’s awful to be a cheat, to be selfish, to feel the need to inflict pain on our fellow human beings. Meanwhile, living morally and well is quite nice.
* Source: The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman
Hecato says, “I can teach you a love potion made without any drugs, herbs, or special spell—if you would be loved, love.”
—Seneca, Moral Letters, 9.6
In 1992, Barbara Jordan addressed the Democratic National Convention and railed against the greed and selfishness and divisiveness of the previous decade. People were ready for a change. “Change it to what?” she asked. “Change that environment of the 80s to an environment which is characterized by a devotion to the public interest, public service, tolerance, and love. Love. Love. Love.”
Love. Love. Love. Love. Why? Because, as the Beatles put it, “In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.” Not just in politics, not just in tolerance, but in our personal lives. There is almost no situation in which hatred helps. Yet almost every situation is made better by love-orempathy, understanding, appreciation—even situations in which you are in opposition to someone.
And who knows, you might just get some of that love back.
* Source: The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman
How rotten and fraudulent when people say they intend to “give it to you straight.” What are you up to, dear friend? It shouldn’t need your announcement, but be readily seen, as if written on your forehead, heard in the ring of your voice, a flash in your eyes—just as the beloved sees it all in the lover’s glance. In short, the straightforward and good person should be like a smelly goat—you know when they are in the room with you.
—Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 11.15
All of us have used phrases like that before. “I’m going to be straightforward with you here …” “I’ll be honest …” “No disrespect but …” Empty expressions or not, they prompt the question: If you have to preface your remarks with indicators of honesty or directness, what does that say about everything else you say? If you say you’re being honest now, does that mean you usually aren’t?
What if, instead, you cultivated a life and a reputation in which honesty was as bankable as a note from the U.S. Treasury, as emphatic and explicit as a contract, as permanent as a tattoo? Not only would it save you from needing to use the reassurances that other, less scrupulous people must engage in, it will make you a better person.
* Source: The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman
