Principle: Establishing genuine connections with others will prevent guardedness from infecting your life.
When we disconnect or become guarded, we reduce the potential for serendipitous insights and connections that often come through unexpected interactions with others, and we also limit our own ability to stretch outside our relational comfort zone, which is the very thing that often leads to the discovery of new insights about our abilities and preferences.
Running Toward Others
To ensure that you are engaging in your life and work in such a way that you are maximizing your contribution, you must pursue relationships with the same level of diligence and urgency. You cannot operate by default; you must instead have a plan for how you will regularly scan your life for open loops, and how you will intentionally pursue relationships that keep you on track with your goals. There are two strategies to help you do this: Find Mirrors and Use Probing Conversations.
You must approach your relationships with the attitude of “What can I offer?” rather than “What can I receive?” If you engage in relationships from a posture of generosity, with a genuine desire to serve the needs of others while simultaneously seeking a better understanding of yourself and your abilities, it will be a win for everyone. The more you are able to give, the more you will learn about yourself and your own limits and potential.
Find Mirrors
No matter how confident you are in your abilities, there will come a time when you are uncertain of the next step. In these situations, it’s important to have someone who can help you stay aligned and remind you of what’s truly important. We all need these kinds of mirrors in our life.
If you can identify a few people to play this role for you, it can provide you with a tremendous amount of confidence because you know that others are also watching out for you. Here’s how to begin implementing this practice.
- Identify two people to play the role of mirrors
- Identify a few specifics you’d like them to watch for
- Set up regular time to connect
- Be ruthlessly honest
- Adjust regularly
Use Probing Conversations
These five conversations are best conducted in the context of both team and individual relationships. Do not steamroller others with them or awkwardly try to work them into small talk. Instead, set aside time for your team, with those you manage, or with your manager and peers to have in-depth conversations about how you’re doing the work rather than just conversations about the mechanics of the work, which is where most teams exclusively focus. The better you get at these conversations, the more clarity, alignment, and energy you’ll find in the work environment, and the better equipped you’ll be to unleash your best work.
The Clarity Conversation
- How does what I’m doing tie in to why our company exists?
- Can you clarify the objectives once more?
The Expectations Conversation
- Do you know what’s expected of you?
- What do you expect from me and am I falling short?
The Fear Conversation
- What are you afraid might happen, and why?
- What was the last risk you took?
The Engagement Conversation
- What’s inspiring you?
- How do you feel about the work we’re doing?
- What’s the best thing we’re doing and why?
The “Final 10 Percent” Conversation
- What’s something I’m doing that doesn’t make sense?
- What’s the smartest thing I’m doing right now?
- What’s something obvious that you don’t think I’m seeing?
* Source: Die Empty by Todd Henry